Alzheimer's stole my Mum....

We hear so much about Alzheimer's these days its almost old hat, that is unless you have a Loved one who is a sufferer. You see this silent sneaky Killer stole my Mother. In Its place it left this slowly deteriorating hugely paranoid, sometimes nasty, delusional Child, A highly intelligent child, crafty and capable of the most amazing, often outrageous often amusing stories. There is a lot of pressure on  family,to  be positive, – other  emotions – anger, resentment, even relief are to be suppressed. I felt all of these.
This New child had few social graces :) would  tell one loudly when in the middle of a shop "I need a Poo" Or "I need a wee, right now, hurry its coming"  thank Goodness i have developed a weird sense of humour and as we raced, her leaning on her walker peeing as we went, to the nearest Loo I could only laugh, which was good because other shoppers were gracious enough to Laugh too. I do not know how many times I raced off leaving my kind beloved to stand in the loo with Mum, to buy new knickers and trousers because she would not let me carry spares as she "DID NOT PEE HERSELF" lol Once upon my return she had Sean washing the offending garment in hand basin and trying to dry it under the hand dryer he could never say no to her.
 On another memorable occasion when i had her out by myself she fell in the Loo and I couldn't lift her, i had to hail a passing Young Man and ask for help. He was a tall handsome Young Samoan chap beautifully dressed in an immaculate suit who did not turn a hair when I said"will you help me lift my Mum to her feet please" He said "where is she" and when I pointed in the Public Loo He looked in the door and said "this is no place for you darling" and hoisted her gently to her feet. Angels come in many disguises. 
They came disguised as care givers in the Alzheimer's secure ward Mum lived in for almost two years. They enjoyed this spirited old Lady who had an answer for everything and who insisted she was related to the Queen  they called her your Royal Highness :) She would pinch like a naughty little girl at times when they hurt her moving her, they were so gentle but she was bent and crippled with osteoporosis and had had a badly broken hip and femur which did not heal well, She was in constant pain.and blamed them for it.  But when she was good she was Loving and showered them with sweets and hugs. 
The disease stole her appetite as her worst symptom was paranoia so she thought everything was poisoned. She also thought everyone was trying to kill her or hurt her and developed the vocabulary of a Navvy and would tell us Loudly " See that nasty B...... over there Sean he smacked me like this and this" or "that nasty B.... stares at me and talks about me" She was convinced Sean and I could fix everything and was always threatening the staff with dismissal and demanding they  ring us to take her home. When I did call she would say  "I want you here in three minutes"  fortunately she forgot fairly quickly.
 We lived two hours away but I called daily and we went down fortnightly staying near the Hospital  for three or four days, it was difficult to leave as she would cry and beg us not too. She adored my Husband and he was so gentle and loving  to her, i would not have got through it without him
. I comforted myself with the fact that she was as happy as she could be and was cared for and comfortable, when she was afraid though it broke my heart. Sometimes she could not sleep as she was scared the staff would kill her in the night.
She always knew us, though she occasionally mixed my Brother up with her brother and My sister with me but that was okay as we looked alike. But when I showed her photos toward the end she didn't know my Dad she said "who's that lovely looking Man" nor did she know herself. When i reminded her it came back and we would Laugh together.
She loved receiving cards and letters and tiny gifts and the extended family were marvellous at obliging. She spent hours sorting through her mail and little treasures. She would look up with sheer delight on her face when we visited saying " hello darling" and then proceed to embarrass the heck out of us by complaining loudly about other residents, staff and even the man who hid in the TV and what B......s they all were lol.
 She screamed too, often and loudly whenever anything hurt this was a new and frightening experience for Sean,myself  and my Sister as she had always been stoic and uncomplaining.
 I think now that Mum had for years suppressed emotions of sadness, disappointment and grief and now that she was a child again they were all pouring out.
I could tell stories for hours we had many Laughs , many tears, much frustration and I have guilt as even though i hid it well i often felt impatient and longed to leave her presence . I also felt terrible frustration trying to  make her take her pain killers and drink fluids the staff would have to call me as she would only take orders from me.

Mum and Dad's wedding.

Mum young and beautiful With Myself
 and Joy.

David, Joy and Me with Mum on my 60th Birthday.

Her Royal Highness

Christmas 2014

Mum dancing with Sean

Mum grew weaker and madder, sorry if that offends but its the truth, we would arrive and hear her loudly talking to herself she could do it for hours maddening for other residents. Music calmed her she sang a lot and had a lovely voice. She also liked leafing through Women's Magazines and was always able to read, so i began buying children's books of fables and  Nursery rhymes which she loved and would read to Sean when he came. We tried everything to slow the onslaught of the disease but we lost.  It beat us and I felt beaten.

 Last August Mum became very Ill with pneumonia and internal bleeding and when i got down to the hospital the Doctor asked me did I want the pneumonia treated, I said no as Mum had talked to me about not being kept alive. The Doctor said good because she felt it would be dreadfully unkind as if they got it under control they then had to address the bleeding which they believed was cancer. As mum was too frail for surgery and in to much pain too be poked and prodded it would have been unkind.
 We took her back to the resthome my Sister and I travelled in the ambulance with her. I stayed down in the hospital with her for the three  days she hung onto life and Joy who lived nearby came daily, Sean came down and my Brother came from wellington, Grandchildren and great grandchildren visited , even our Dog Honey stayed in her room. We called Joy back on the night of the 11th of August as Mum was preparing to leave us she had seen my Dad, he had come for her. We slept by her bed and she died with us both holding her and stroking her, she went on a wave of Love.
 We farewelled her on the 15th at a lovely celebration of her life, she wore a tiara in her coffin because "I am Royal you know" and so did the granddaughters. We had a party for her, music, Poems and prayers because she loved Jesus. I wore red and Joy wore Orange we all wore colour as she did not like black clothes. 
I miss her every single day I see her in the monarch butterflies and in the rainbows she is often near me.
 I have not been able to write about it before I felt physically and emotionally unable. Then today like a damn bursting the floodgates opened and here I am telling you the story of how Alzheimer's stole my Mum but amazingly we became closer in this classic role reversal, I felt such a bond with her.
I know she is at peace and I am glad,  I am slowly getting used to not having to organise Mum and the rest home staff lol. 
We will travel this year we could not go with Mum so ill. I know her and Dad will be with us, they loved our travels and kept all our postcards, this time they can accompany us....

Cloud Stories

As I trundled around on our ancient lawn mower yesterday, I indulged myself in a favourite pastime, Cloud watching, I love clouds and don't mind who knows :) Yesterdays sky was a Constable sky, now I am no lover of Constables Art it's too 'Chocolate box' for me but if Monet (one of my favourite Artists) is "The painter of light" then Constable is 'The painter of Clouds' The sky was immense and azure, that intense purple blue, the clouds were mainly towering Cumulus with here and there some lazy wisps of Cirrus like little curls of hair. I was doing a lot of thinking as one does when doing mundane tasks, and watching the clouds,I always find getting lost in cloud gazing a form of meditation and immensely soothing. I suddenly had the fanciful thought that clouds exist as reminders of my philosophies of life. Clouds constantly changing and full of pictures remind me that the only constant is change and that each day is full of infinite possibilities due to change if we just have the courage to embrace the Changes. Clouds much like life have differing moods, Cumulus Towers white and abundant always lift my spirits, Nimbus rain bearing and threatening possible storms,Cirrus wispy and dreamlike and so on. A cloudless sky to me is boring as might life be were there no bumps in our journey.So when you next look at the clouds and watch their ever changing shapes remember nothing is permanent, if things are not going well "This too will pass" We come into this life with nothing and leave the same way. Try not to worry unduly but enjoy the moment you are in, as soon it too will change. Love and light. Namaste

Golden Gllory

Silver Foxes.

We need to stop buying Women's Magazines that Promote wrinkle Creams, hair dyes, stick thin Models, shoes that make us look as if we are walking on stilts and the Idea that with ageing gracefully one becomes Invisible.
We need to start telling ourselves we are beautiful in our Natural state and that beauty also comes from within.
Those silver hairs (Or White Or grey) you are beginning to see they are amazing. The wrinkles beginning to appear are just a map of your Journey. You are a Goddess in your own right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. So smile for the Camera and know that your Beauty relies on more than, Botox, dipping your head in the dye bottle or resorting to plastic surgery.
I gave up dyeing my hair aged 59 years, to ill to keep it up I soon had an inch of white at my part, I said to my beloved "How do you feel about having a Silver haired wife?"  He replied "Go for it" My lovely grandson said "Silver Rocks Nanny"
 I went for it. My wonderful hairdresser who had been telling me to embrace my white hair for years added some white streaks to soften the 'tide mark' :)  It took about 18 months to grow out and I kept it shortish until it did, I am now growing it, I am determined not to turn into a Clone of so many Women I see who think Grey hair must be short, No way I am going to flaunt it.
My only regret. I did not embrace my Silver sooner. I have now been white for 7 years and have had more comments on my hair even from strangers than I ever did when it was dyed. The condition of my hair is much better and it is thicker, so many of my friends still dyeing have scant hair, such a shame.
I have freed myself from the tyranny of the dye bottle and feel marvellous.
We also need to Dress 'Out Loud" I don't do Beige, not do I dress ' In clothes suitable" for my age, as i don't really know what that is I'm just a Young girl with wrinkles, so I wear purple, Hot pink, red, Coral, Orange etc... I'm a regular little bird of paradise.
Flaunt your selves my fellow Silver Foxes, we are in our Wisdom years the Young Women today need our brand of courage those of us who are Au Natural, to help them embrace their inner beauty and stop listening to inane advertisements and reading vacuous Women's Magazines, all aimed at filling the coffers of the beauty industry. We need to take a stand and age outrageously.
Go Girls !!!!! My motto... "Never be Invisible"
Namaste Goddesses

Beauty at any Age. My 96 year old Aunty Emily. Always gracious.

Two Silver Foxy Ladies, My Cousin Lorraine and I

My awesome Aunty Nancy she has always had the courage to be Au natural, she makes a statement

My beautiful Mum, Alfreda... Her Highness

Me in my 'In your Face' Leopard print coat.

Purple rocks

My Beloved says he never loses sight of me in crown as white hair glows :)

Bright is good

.

Winters Fury

Winter is throwing its fury at us. The rain poured from a Stone coloured sky turning our shell and gravel paths into Rivers all rushing toward the lake. The Trees tossed their heads and bent their Limbs in crazy dance, the wind Howled around the house like a Banshee wailing for the dead, what a Mournful sound. The grey mist on the Lakes face hid the Mountain from view, we existed my Love and I in a Muffled world, Fire burning bright offering comfort, Music playing, sipping Tea, as the Storm pounded our haven. The Night was unsettled the moon hidden from our gaze, the rain pounded and the wind moaned.
Then Like Magic the Day dawned, sweet day so calm and cleansed, trees drooping sodden with rain the willows trailing their fingers in the lake providing shelter for the black swans and ducks, drifting peacefully in the green cave.A pink and Blue spreading sky and softly whispering wind. We venture forth lifting our faces to the sky watching with wonder a V of  swans heading for the lake and hear the splashing noisy landing, the Sun on our faces warming our Souls I think of pansies lifting their bright faces to the sun and long for Spring.
Then back to this day which is all we have with a grateful heart for all our blessings.
Namaste

The pink and blue spreading sky

Rain sodden Branches bending low

Happy pansy Faces

Early snow drops

A cup of tea in the winter sunshine, Still we have a brave Hibiscus blooming

Huge Stormy Skies

A new Day dawns

One of Our small Pohutakawa Trees confused by the warmth flowering again while it stands in a storm created creek.

Autumn in Auckland

I Love Auckland City any time, but in Autumn it is so lovely it takes my breath away. It’s officially still autumn here in the southern hemisphere, though the Winter equinox is on the 22nd. The days continue to be sunny and warm in Auckland. The Truth is that its difficult to tell what season it is, but for the trees being clothed in Glorious Autumnal shades of Gold, Russet and brown its hot enough to be still summer. We can not mark our seasons in Calendar months here in Auckland and Northland so mild is our weather. May can be a little chilly early mornings and some grey skies begin to come to the fore leading us into June and Matariki, the Maori New Year. this is around the winter solstice, marked by a constellation in the night sky that becomes visible telling us the Winter has arrived and will be with until the Spring equinox in mid-September and then we are back in warm weather, albeit unsettled and blustery.
I wander the Streets admiring the beauty of the fallen leaves, look up through the wonderful Nikau Palm branches at the cornflower blue of the sky and smell the Pacific Ocean at the bottom of the Street. I always think Auckland has similarities with San Francisco and Paris both Cities we Love. A melting pot of Cultures lots of energy and yet in true Kiwi fashion laid Back.
Time to wander into Smith and Caughey for some retail therapy and then perhaps Lunch at the Stables :)
Such a treaty day.

Natures Artworks

We left early this morning for an appointment. It was 2 degrees, cold for Northland. The Lake was like a Mirror as we drove beside it, the ducks and swans leaving V-shaped wakes as they drifted peacefully. We turned onto the main Road and looking back, the Lake was wreathed in Mist it was a surreal sight, blue sky, lots of Autumn colour and just this blob of mist like a grounded cloud, green hills rising all round. The Lower parts of the road verges were glistening with a dusting of frost,  the cows clustered in the sunny sheltered areas of  paddock blowing steamy breath from their Nostrils like small dragons.
Home again I stood at the clothes line breathing in the crisp air and feeling at peace. I was surrounded by fluttering chattering fan tails and swooping welcome swallows, an Arrow of Canadian geese flew over honking and landed Noisily in the Lake , otherwise it was so quiet I could hear the cows munching the grass.
A giant cobweb stretched between the Branches of the "Athol" tree has diamonds of dew sparkling on its silken threads.... such a work of art. The Tees have few leaves clinging now and the beauty of the bark and branches is revealed, more of Natures artwork.
My beloved has split more Logs and stacked them in the Bodgers Hovel and i can see him now stooped in the Garden preparing new lawn areas for seeding, happy as a sand Boy is Sean when outdoors.
To a Lot of folk my Life would be boring but I feel blessed. We have travelled to far off places and will again ,but its here in Godzone that we are rooted, this land of peace and plenty.

Namaste

Crisp Apple Mornings

Good Morning Friends. 5 degrees this Morning quite a shock to us Northlanders :) What a deliciously crisp apple type morning. The Sunrise was delicate Monet hues and the lake gave us a double helping of the delicate, pinks, apricots, and lemon, now its as Blue as the cloudless sky.
My favourite Winters day is the 22nd of June when the Sun  stops retreating and the winter solstice brings us the shortest day, all down hill to spring from there on. Being a Lover of warmth and long Summer days I must work hard to find the pleasures of winter.  Its spooning weather :) and lazy days in front of the fire but its also bracing oneself to face the prospect of cutting lawns and keeping the place tidy all rugged up against the Westerly.
We have just harvested two enormous Bowls of Sweet, pipless Mandarins, normally we would pick from the tree as required but pesky Mr. Opossum has been helping himself, Sean found the evidence yesterday, they peel them and leave the skin under the tree. The Kitchen is fragrant now with Lovely citrus scents, we have lemons and Limes too. The lawn is scattered here and there with tiny button Mushrooms and Mr. Heron has just heralded his morning visit with a loud screech, his companions this morning, our pair of resident Paradise Ducks and a couple of spur winged Plover.  They maintain a respectable distance from each other but wander around most the of day quite happily sharing their space.. Mr. Heron spends a lot of time catching insects from our Lily pond.
This Morning as I opened the garage door to let the Sun pour in i heard a panicked beating of wings and saw a Spirit Bird, the beautiful Kingfisher, beating his wings furiously trying to get out the closed window. I shouted for my Beloved and he managed to catch the poor frightened fellow. His little heart was hammering. Sean held him until he calmed and then released him into the golden Morning, I felt his Joy. He is perched on the trailer now none the worse for his ordeal.
Dear Friends enjoy every minute of the day ahead.
Love and Light.
Namaste

Mr. Heron. Master of all he surveys